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'Everything’s got a moral, if only you can find it.' Lewis Carroll

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'The only athletic sport I have ever mastered is backgammon' Douglas Jerrold

'When I use a word,'Humpty Dumpty said, in rather a scornful tone,' it means just what I choose it to mean – neither more nor less.' Lewis Carroll 'Through the looking glass, and what Alice found there.'

'Being thick isn't an affliction if you are a footballer, because your brains need to be in your feet.' Brian Clough

'The British are not good at having fun. I get overexcited if there's a pattern on my kitchen roll.' Victoria Wood

'The trouble with the French is they have no word for entrepreneur.' George W Bush

'There is something about the outside of a horse that is good for the inside of a man.' Winston Churchill

'How on earth did Gandhi manage to walk so far in flip-flops? I can't last ten minutes in mine.' Mrs Merton

'Ma always said that without tea the British would have lost both world wars.' Michael Bentine

'Visitors young and old will be amazed when they arrive at your home and see a larger than life fully lit outdoor reindeer complete with bells and sleigh.' A Christmas catalogue

'You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.' Norman Douglas

'A little nonsense now and then is cherished by the wisest men.' Roald Dahl

'What is two and two?' 'Are you buying or selling?' - Small child and Lew Grade

'Something unpleasant is coming when men are anxious to tell the truth.' Benjamin Disraeli

'When I met President Bush he asked me what state Wales was in.' Charlotte Church

"A Portsmouth man believes he has found the way to talk to hedgehogs, although he does not know the meaning of what he says to them."

'Buckingham Palace isn't ours. It's just a tied cottage.' Prince Philip

'I go in and out of fashion like a double breasted suit' Alan Ayckbourn

'I've found a way to make my wife drive more carefully. I told her that if she has an accident, the newspapers would print her age.' Jan Murray

'In the 1960s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world's weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.' Damon Albarn

'The physician can bury his mistakes, but the architect can only advise his client to plant vines.' Frank Lloyd Wright

'My father woke me at three o' clock in the morning and said, 'Son, I've never shot a tiger.' 'Why did you have to tell me?' He said, 'I've got to tell somebody.'' Spike Milligan

"The English like eccentrics. They just don't like them living next door."

'He chose to live in Manchester, a wholly incomprehensible choice for any free man to make.' Mr Justice Melford Stevenson

'I left home to marry a man whom no one liked, and after I married him I didn't like him either.' Margery Allingham

'At worst, a house unkempt cannot be so distressing as a life unlived.' Rose Macaulay

'Her voice is quintessentially Radio 4, like someone talking down a would-be suicide from a high window-ledge.' The Listener Magazine

'How foolish to think that one can ever slam the door in the face of age. Much wiser to be gracious and ask him to lunch in advance.' Noel Coward

'If at first you don't succeed then failure might be your style.' Quentin Crisp

'The natural state of the football fan is bitter disappointment, no matter what the score.'

'I was too scared to tell my parents I was going on Big Brother so I told them I was going on Countdown.'

'The best time to take cuttings is when no one is looking.'

'She looked a million dollars, even if in well-used notes.'

'She looked a million dollars, even if in well-used notes.'

'The concept of two people living together for 25 years without a serious dispute suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep.'

'The concept of two people living together for 25 years without a serious dispute suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep.'

'It is only shallow people who do not judge by appearances.' Oscar Wilde

Election may as well be fought through reality TV

Election may as well be fought through reality TV

Feeding time for one of the muntjac deer being cared for at the Oak and Furrow rescue centre at Somerford Keynes

Think before you try to help a young animal

Search for key to being happy

Search for key to being happy

Lesley Brain

Some Things Need To Be Seen To Be Believed

Keep your wits about you to deal with the NHS

Dickensian tales don't need the big-screen 3D treatment

Dickensian tales don't need the big-screen 3D treatment

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