THE COTTAGE (18)

10:47am Wednesday 12th March 2008

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ON THE back of the success of director Paul Andrew William's first film London to Brighton (2006), which won several awards including Best New Director at the Edinburgh Film festival, comes a very different offering.

At the dead of night two brothers, self-assured David (Andy Serkis) and wimpy Peter (Reece Shearsmith), arrive at a secluded cottage. Peter is a nervous wreck and David has a job to calm him down. They have just kidnapped Tracey (Jennifer Ellison) the daughter of a wealthy crime boss, as a quick money making scheme. David says Peter must toughen up as he has to make the ransom demand, because Tracey's father knows David. However Peter is so useless he accidentally lets slip David's name to the bound and gagged Tracey, who has already head butted him and broken his nose - a girl with revenge on her mind. When her black sheep step brother Andrew (Steven O'Donnell), who is also part of the plan, turns up things really start to back fire. Tracey manages to escape into the wood with Peter as her hostage, with David and Andrew in hot pursuit. But there is something much more terrifying lurking in the darkness that any of them could have imagined.

One can fully understand how difficult it is to make a film on a very small budget, and it's important to encourage such productions, but this has no redeeming features that come to mind - it is quite simply ghastly. The script is dire, which is no doubt why all the acting leaves a lot to be desired: even the usually reliable Serkis is uncomfortable in his role. He is also totally wasted as the straight man in the proceeding, if one could describe David as that. It all starts promisingly enough, but after 20 minutes it's downhill all the way. I was amused to read that one of the producers liked the script because it was so different. Well different it isn't; this is a film that has pilfered from every horror film from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) to Shaun of the Dead (2004), as well as taking a big bite out of the brilliant Withnail and I (1987). It also runs in two halves that don't ever marry up, which is irritating and deeply dissatisfying. It calls itself a dark comedy, but is never funny and incredibly slow. Only Ellison shines in her pink velour tracksuit, even though her language is dreadful she gives the feisty Tracey all she's got. It is totally understandable that due to the budget the prosthetics are cheap and so are the many broken bones and copious amounts of tomato ketchup, but the total lack of suspense throughout isn't. Recently I have been looking as some low budget films made in the 50s. They display tension, laughter and passion at half the cost of this film, and Williams would do well to study a few of them. 1hr 32mins.

Clare Shepherd 2/10